BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BYCYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run along side for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your master’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their masters wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your masters have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrapper to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require……especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!,” especially if your master is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your master where you want him/her to go.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times or until your master makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Masters remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your masters comes home.